inever thought that i understood her。 she always seemed so far away from me。 i loved her， of course。 we shared mutual love from the day i was born。 i came into this world with a bashed head and deformed features because of the hard labor my mother had gone through。 family members and friends wrinkled their noses at the disfigured baby i was。 they all commented on how much i looked like a beat-up football player。 but no， not her。 nana thought i was beautiful。 her eyes twinkled with splendor and happiness at the ugly baby in her arms。 her first granddaughter。 beautiful， she said。
before final exams in my junior year of high school， she died。 seven years ago， her doctors diagnosed nana with alzheimer’s disease。 seven years ago， our family became experts on this disease as， slowly， we lost her。
she always spoke in fragmented sentences。 as the years passed， the words she spoke became fewer and fewer， until finally she said nothing at all。 we were lucky to get one occasional word out of her。 it was then our family knew she was near the end。
我以為我從來就不瞭解她。她彷彿離我很遙遠。當然，我愛她。從我出生那天起我們就愛護彼此。因為母親難產，我生下來便頭部受傷，面貌醜陋。家人和朋友對我這個畸形嬰兒不屑一顧，他們都評論說我看起來多麼像一個蓬頭垢面的足球運動員。但是，她沒有。祖母認為我很漂亮。看著懷中醜陋的嬰兒她的眼睛變得光彩奪目，幸福萬分。這是她第一個孫女啊，真漂亮，她說。
在我高一期末考試之前，她去世了。七年前，她的醫生就診斷出奶奶患了早老性痴呆症；七年前，我們家就成為這種疾病的專家，然而，逐漸地，我們還是失去了她。
她說話的時候總是斷斷續續。一年年過去了，她說的話也越來越少，直到最後一個字也說不出了。偶爾能聽到她說出一個字我們就覺得運氣很好了。那時我們家才意識到她的一生走到終點了。
about a week or so before she died， she lost the abilities for her body to function at all， and the doctors decided to move her to a hospice。 a hospice。 where those who entered would never come out。
itold my parents i wanted to see her。 i had to see her。 my uncontrollable curiosity had taken a step above my gut-wrenching fear。
my mother brought me to the hospice two days after my request。 my grandfather and two of my aunts were there as well， but all hung back in the hallway as i entered nana’s room。 she was sitting in a big， fluffy chair next to her bed， slouched over， eyes shut， mouth numbly hanging open。 the morphine was keeping her asleep。 my eyes darted around the room at the windows， the flowers， and the way nana looked。 i was struggling very hard to take it all in， knowing that this would be the last time i ever saw her alive。